She Does Not Define Me — I Do!

There are moments in life that shake you, unravel your confidence, and make you question your place in a space you've worked hard to enter especially when it makes you re-live early school days. My first PhD synopsis presentation was one such moment.

After a 15-year academic gap, stepping back into research was already a mountain I was climbing with determination. I had put in the hours, poured my heart into the work, and prepared to the best of my knowledge. The environment was intimidating, a room filled with expert panelists, the Head of Department, and the Dean. I was nervous, but hopeful. Unfortunately, what unfolded was far from the supportive academic dialogue I had imagined.

I was guided by two mentors who were just beginning their journey too. As their first mentee, we were all navigating unknown terrain together. Neither of them informed me about the academic necessity of inserting citations.

Barely ten minutes in, the then HOD, a figure I expected guidance from became dismissive, and even made remarks that questioned my ambition. She didn't correct or guide; she taunted. In front of the entire panel, she said I would never become a doctor, ridiculed my choice of words, and belittled my potential. A definition of mental health that I had pulled directly from the WHO website was laughed off and accused of being "made up." Instead of seeing a sincere learner trying to find her footing, she saw someone to diminish. The dean on the other hand offered constructive feedback.

I left that day crushed, spiraling in self-doubt, questioning whether I belonged in the world of academia at all. That evening, I carried her words like weights on my chest. But eventually, something shifted.

In the quiet of my own mind, I chose to speak to myself with love, alongside my daughter’s and husband’s words of encouragement comforted me.

Yes, I made mistakes. But none that couldn’t be corrected. Yes, I had mentors who were still learning. But I was also learning. And that definition? It was from the WHO. Her ignorance didn’t invalidate my effort. I was able to activate my rational mind with self-love, assuring myself that with hard work and sincerity, I am unstoppable.

In the aftermath, this experience also led me to realize that there are two types of leaders: one who misuses power to humiliate others and feel superior and one who exhibits humility, empathy, and offers constructive feedback. The HOD clearly represented the former, and I realized she is someone I need to let go off from my mind and focus on my goal as she does not define me, I do!