More Than Just “Sorry”: What It Really Means to Seek Forgiveness

Have you ever said “I’m sorry,” and felt it just wasn’t enough?Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of an apology that felt hollow—like it was said out of habit, not heart.

A few years ago, during my PhD, I found myself grappling with this exact question:Is seeking forgiveness the same as apologising—or are they fundamentally different?

I decided to explore this through an in-depth qualitative study, speaking with individuals who had significantly hurt someone in their lives and had tried to make amends. Some were forgiven. Others weren’t. But all of them had experienced deep emotional conflict and personal reflection in their attempts to right a wrong.

Their stories were raw, filled with pain, regret, courage, and at times, hope. As I listened, one thing became clear: seeking forgiveness is a much deeper, more profound process than simply apologising.

Through their narratives, four powerful themes emerged that help us understand the key differences.

1. Apology Is a Gesture. Seeking Forgiveness Is a Journey.

Many participants saw apologies as quick, surface-level interactions. You bump into someone. You’re late to a meeting. You say “sorry.”But seeking forgiveness? That’s something entirely different.

Seeking forgiveness was described as an internal, emotional process that requires genuine reflection. It comes from a place of vulnerability and often includes remorse that runs deep—touching the heart and soul.

2. Seeking Forgiveness Demands Vulnerability

Seeking forgiveness isn’t easy. It means facing not just the person you hurt—but your own guilt, your own shame. It means letting your guard down and exposing a part of yourself that’s not easy to show.

For many of the people I interviewed, this act of vulnerability became a way to heal—not just the relationship, but themselves.

“I didn’t just want them to forgive me. I needed it… for me to breathe again.”

In contrast, apologies were often seen as routine—a polite gesture, but not one that always came from a place of courage or emotional risk.

3. It’s About Action, Not Just Words

A simple “I’m sorry” might be enough for small offenses. But when there’s real hurt involved, people want to see change—not just hear words.

Seeking forgiveness, as described by participants, involved action: changed behavior, making amends, persistent effort. It was about doing, not just saying.

“I knew I couldn’t undo what I did. But I wanted to show her I wouldn’t repeat it. That mattered more than just saying sorry.”

Apologies were often perceived as passive or fleeting—something said and done, without the deeper commitment to make things right.

4. Forgiveness Is Relational. Apologising Is Often One-Sided.

Another striking insight? Seeking forgiveness is inherently relational. It involves a hope—sometimes a desperate one—that the other person will respond, engage, maybe even forgive.

It often opens a dialogue. Both parties speak. Both feel. Both process.

Apologies, on the other hand, were frequently described as one-way interactions. You say it, and then move on—whether or not the other person is ready to receive it.

So, What Does This Mean for Us?

In a culture where we’re often quick to say “sorry” and move on, perhaps we need to pause and ask ourselves: Are we truly seeking forgiveness—or just checking a box?

The difference matters. Because when the harm is deep, a surface-level “sorry” rarely brings healing.

Real forgiveness begins when we acknowledge our wrongs—not just with words, but with intent, courage, and a willingness to change.